“Who Would Do This If I Didn’t Exist?”: The Default Parent, the Mental Load, and the Household Olympics No One Signed Up For
- Jolene Phillips
- 8 hours ago
- 12 min read
I'm going to preface this post by saying that I've joked that moms should grow another two arms for every child we have. We might be looking like Stitch with his alien arms, but even better if the arms were retractable when not in use. Balancing life can be overwhelming.
Juggling the mental load is like being a one-woman circus act, with too few arms!
You know you’re the default parent when:
The school calls you first, even though your partner’s number is literally above yours on the contact sheet. Or in my case, when I'm the bonus mom and the third emergency contact but still get contacted before my husband because my bonus kid's mom wasn't available.
You can list every single pair of shoes your kid owns and which ones give them “the itchy heel,” but your partner needs to “check” before confirming if your child owns a winter coat. You also know when each kid is outgrowing clothes and shoes.
You’ve been woken up at 2 a.m. with: “Where’s the Tylenol?” as if you have a home pharmacy inventory spreadsheet in your brain at all times.
You get texts at work like: “What time does my dentist appointment start again?” and wonder if anyone in your house has ever considered using the revolutionary tool called a calendar.
Welcome to the land of mental load, that invisible, exhausting, always-on brain work that keeps the household running…and you running on fumes.
What Exactly Is the Mental Load?
Think of it as project management for family life. Except instead of a paycheck, paid vacation, and a desk plant, you get crumbs in your bra and the privilege of remembering who hates the blue cup this week.
It’s:
Remembering the pediatrician appointment is at 3:45 pm…and that the office moved locations last year.
Noticing the toothpaste is running low, we should replace it before anyone has to use water as a substitute.
Mentally catalog that the field trip permission slip is due Friday, and the only pen that works is currently in your purse.
It’s not just the doing; it’s the anticipating, remembering, planning, and fixing. And most of that still falls to one person…usually mom.
Mini-story: I manage our family budget. I help ensure payments occur on time and that all necessary payments are made. There were three consecutive pay periods where I budgeted my husband's gym membership. Each pay period, I would ask if he had made the payment since he does it in person, at the gym. Each pay period, I was told "no," but the money was no longer in the account. Okay, I'll budget in for next week's paycheck. Wash, rinse, repeat. Why does this keep happening? And yet, I'm managing the mental load and trying to ensure this payment gets done, because it's the one payment that I haven't paid.
Meanwhile, I'm juggling a toddler and two babies, two dogs, household tasks, all the other bills, and work. It's not as simple as me just delegating him to be responsible for it, because the money keeps getting spent on other things, so I'm having to monitor the budget to make sure I put aside that amount. It seems like a small thing, but having to keep a mental track of even something like that can feel exhausting. Mental load, y’all!
Dishwasher Tetris & the Sink Dilemma
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve repacked the dishwasher after my husband has “done the dishes.” His version gets a good chunk of the dirty dishes in, but then there are often still some in the sink or just sitting on the stovetop. My version? Seventeen plates, twelve cups, two casserole dishes, and the mixing bowl that’s been soaking since breakfast. Everything is making it in the dishwasher, and if it can't fit, it's getting washed by hand. Because the task does not feel complete until all the dishes are clean. I was also raised that doing the dishes included wiping down the kitchen, so when this doesn't happen, it irks my soul.
Once, after a long day, I walked into the kitchen and saw the dishwasher running…with dishes still in the sink (that would have fit in the dishwasher). There is trash on the counter and a mess from dinner being made. I just stared at all of it, thinking, "Are you kidding me?" I feel like a maid who has to follow behind everyone, cleaning up after them because they don't do it themselves. Can someone get me Rosie the robot from the Jetsons? I would greatly appreciate her help most days.
Mini-story: One evening, my husband proudly announced he’d “done the dishes,” so I walked into our bedroom and grabbed his dirty cups from the night before and put them in the sink. "Almost, but you forgot a few."
Mind you, when we were teenagers, my mom would have to send my brother and me to collect cups from our bedrooms. We would get a cup and go downstairs to do homework or hang out, and not go back upstairs or forget to bring it back up. On moments of cup collection, we would both get a minimum of 3 cups each, MINIMUM! We were busy teenagers with sports, school, and friends, but my mother had so much patience with us! She had some great systems in place to manage our lack of responsibility and manage the mental load. I am the way I am about cleaning because, as an adult, I've realized just how awful I was about so many things like this growing up. I try to manage more of the mental load so others don't have to. Even when I go visit my parents, I try to help empty or load the dishwasher, clean up after the kids play and take out all the toys, or make dinner if they're working late. Even though I'm visiting, I still try to do my part because carrying the mental load is a lot.
Toilet Paper & Life Lessons
I mentioned my mom had some great systems for us when we were growing up to help balance out the mental load. Growing up, my mom had a brilliant, if not mildly traumatic, way of teaching us responsibility. If you used the last of the toilet paper and didn’t replace it, your consequence was cleaning all the bathrooms in the house.
We’re talking gloves, scrub brush, and full-on Cinderella mode. It taught me two things:
Always replace the toilet paper.
Notice things before someone has to tell you.
To this day, an empty toilet paper roll triggers a primal panic that I’m about to be handed a bucket of Lysol (although I'm the one who usually cleans the bathroom anyway). Fun fact: We also had to clean all the bathrooms if we said the word "ain't". My mom doesn't like cleaning bathrooms, can you tell?
Mini-story: Just last month, I found an empty roll in the bathroom and a brand-new roll sitting in the container on the back of the toilet. Why not just take the new roll and put it on the holder? Cue the silent scream of confusion and frustration at the simple task not being done.
The Waiting Game (a.k.a. How Long Until Someone Else Notices?)
Here’s a fun experiment: leave the overflowing trash can for your spouse or kids to take out. See how long it takes before someone notices. Spoiler: it will sit there like a modern art installation until you break down and take it out yourself. And not just in the can itself, because the can still has to close so the dog doesn't get into it, it ends up sitting on the counter silently pleading for someone to take it outside. Meanwhile, I'm playing the waiting game, so I'm going to keep adding trash too. What do I get when someone finally sees me going to take out the garbage and steps in to do it instead? Complaints about how difficult it is to get the bag out of the trash can. ...Well, you know...a good way to not have that problem? Take the trash out when it first gets full. We're all using the same trash can! I know you see it too. I shouldn't have to ask you to take out the garbage.
Once, I decided I would win this game, and I am highly competitive, so I was determined. I left it for four days. Four. Days. I walked past it dozens of times, whispering to myself, “Not my problem, not my problem.” On day four, my husband finally took it out after he saw me using a paper plate to push down the trash to make room for more.
A Moment for My Dear Husband
I need to take a moment to pause and recognize that my poor husband is getting dragged through the mud in this blog post! It's important to note that while he has his moments, a lot of these mini-stories are from years ago. We have had so many conversations about helping out with household tasks that he claims different responsibilities and makes sure they are taken care of. If he sees the trash is full, he takes it out. He makes sure our robot vacuum is ready to run every night before bed. If I ask for help, he is willing to do it. Honestly, having a partner who does make those changes is a huge help. There are times when I don't even mention some of these things to him (like the Diaper Genie) because I know how much he is trying to be better about carrying the mental load. When you are working with your spouse to help out more, don't expect perfection, and give praise when they are doing more! That helps them want to continue to do their part, and they are also helping instill those same skills in your kids.
So, to my dear husband, if you are reading this, I appreciate your humor and your hard work. I know that we have laughed about so many of these over the years after the fact, and you really have gotten so much better! But, my fellow moms and wives need relatability, and I only have one husband...so...sorry!
The Myth of “You’re Not Busy”
Some men honestly think women aren’t busy, or worse, that the tasks we do don’t even exist. Like, who exactly did these things before you met me? Did the laundry fairy swing by twice a week? Did the fridge magically restock itself?
The Self-Care Permission Slip
Here’s another imbalance: when my husband wants to shower, he simply announces he’s doing it. If he’s going out with friends, he doesn’t ask if now is a good time; he just tells me he's going (well, he used to, we've discussed how this isn't ideal, and now he checks if it's a good time to do something).
Me? I feel like I have to negotiate. “Hey, is now okay? Will you watch the kids?” As if washing my hair is a major disruption to household operations.
My son will frequently come to get me and let me know he needs something. His dad could be sitting right next to him on the couch, but he will find me in the next room and have me help him. Likely in part due to his poor dad not understanding his toddler ramblings, whereas I can always seem to figure out what he's trying to say.
Why I Understand Why We Go to Mom First (Even When It’s Exhausting)
Growing up, it was usually my mom who managed things. Mom made sure everything got done. Sure, my dad did his part in certain areas, but I remember watching my mom ask my dad repeatedly to do things, and he wouldn’t get up until she started the task herself. It also became a running joke that if my mom asked him to do something, he wouldn't, but if I asked him to do something, he would right away. Don't worry, he's gotten a lot better as well.
Now, the same happens with my husband. I love him dearly, but if I have to ask ten times for something to be done, I just end up doing it myself. Carrying the task in my brain for weeks or months is exhausting and unfair.
My mom’s mental load was so heavy that she’d sometimes forget to pick us up from practice or school. It became a running joke with the school secretary, who would laugh when we walked back in for her to call Mom. She was a great real estate agent juggling way too much, and she had me, her 12-year-old daughter, help with work and marketing tasks, cleaning houses, and assisting with moving some of her clients (this was a whole family effort) to “earn money for softball.” It worked because it let her focus on the things that made money, which paid for all those softball tournaments and camps.
I think many moms have this ingrained message that we can’t complain, can’t ask for help, and have to grit our teeth and bear it because that’s our job. But the reality is, so many women work multiple jobs at once. Even stay-at-home moms are working a 24/7 job as caregiver, maid, personal chef, and household manager.
When working moms get home, instead of a break, they face a whole new mountain of tasks. Working all day is exhausting. But expecting one partner to work all day (yes, stay-at-home parenting is work) and manage everything else is unrealistic.
I’m incredibly grateful my husband understands that being a stay-at-home mom is still a job, because so many spouses don’t get that.
It’s Not Always the Husband
Now, before the pitchforks come out, yes, there are some men who are phenomenal, proactive partners. And yes, sometimes men are the default parent. But in my therapy sessions with moms, a common theme comes up:
Feeling undervalued
Feeling underappreciated
Feeling resentful toward their partners
Feeling exhausted
I’ve been there. I’ve had those exact conversations with my husband. And here’s the kicker, things will get better for a while…and then slowly slide right back into old patterns.
We talk about it again. He understands. We fix it. Then, a few weeks later, we’re back to me shouldering the entire load and feeling like I’m in Groundhog Day: Chore Edition.
Here's the trick, though: when I notice those feelings of resentment growing again because I find myself doing everything again, I communicate. Yes, this cycle happens often, and while it feels frustrating to have the same conversation over and over again, I remember how complex changing patterns of behavior are. It's a process that takes time, accountability, and effort. If your partner is willing to put forth the effort, then keep communicating and working together.
Shifting the mental load involves both partners making an effort. Yes, you will need to put forth an effort to communicate and not do everything before your husband has a chance to help. I'll talk about how to help shift the mental load in a moment.
Why This Matters
The mental load isn’t just about chores; it’s about constantly being on. It’s remembering dentist appointments, snack schedules, and the exact school spirit theme on a given day. It’s the mental energy of seeing everything that needs doing, all the time, and knowing that if you don’t lead the charge, it won’t get done.
This leads to:
Chronic stress and burnout
Resentment so strong you could roast marshmallows over it
Less bandwidth for your own goals, health, and joy
How to Share the Mental Load Without Becoming the Household Nag
Make the Invisible Visible
Write down everything you think about or do for a week, even “pick up more toilet paper.” When your partner sees the full list, it’s hard to argue you’re “overreacting.”
Delegate Ownership, Not Just Tasks
Instead of: “Can you take the kids to soccer?”
Try: “You’re in charge of soccer this season, practice schedule, snacks, uniforms, coach emails, and game days. All of it.”
Set Household Domains
Divide by category, not one-off favors:
Partner handles all laundry, start to finish.
You handle school communication.
Partner manages meal planning and groceries.
Accept That Done ≠ Done Your Way
Micromanaging means you’ll do it yourself again. Imperfect is still functional. Your peace matters more than whether cups face up or down.
Protect Your Self-Care Like It’s a Meeting
No asking “if now is a good time.” Please put it on the calendar as a non-negotiable.
Final Thought
You’re not “bad at asking for help.” You’re not “too controlling.” You’re a human who’s been CEO of Family Logistics without a second-in-command for far too long.
Shifting the mental load isn’t just about getting help; it’s about building a true partnership. Here’s your permission: drop one mental tab today. Forget who’s snack leader. Let the empty toilet paper roll sit. The world will keep turning…and maybe, just maybe, someone else will notice.
If you need a little humor in your day, download the Mental Load Bingo below and feel free to share it when you get a Bingo. Remember to communicate and have patience with your partner. Working to a place to share the mental load is challenging but worth it. If you continue to do all the things, then your partner will continue not to help and likely won't notice that you need help.
Mental Load Bingoa
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