The Hidden Power of Play: How to Teach Emotional Regulation Skills Through Everyday Moments

Jolene Phillips
8 hours ago
9 min read

When you think about play, you probably imagine LEGO bricks underfoot (ouch), blanket forts in the living room, or kids turning the couch cushions into "lava rocks.” Fun? Absolutely. Chaotic? Often. But here’s the secret: play isn’t just fun, it’s one of the most powerful tools children have to practice emotional skills, build empathy, and strengthen self-regulation. Play is the classroom of childhood. And the best part? You don’t need a single “special” toy. You just need to say yes when your child hands you a plastic dinosaur and says, "Let's play."

As a mom and counselor, I’ve seen firsthand how play creates safety, lowers defenses, and builds connection. One of the best pieces of professional advice I’ve ever received came on my first day as a school-based mental health clinician in Alaska: “Jolene, when in doubt, play a game.” That simple sentence has shaped my entire approach to working with kids. I worried about how parents would respond when I shared that their child was "just" playing a game in our session. I quickly learned how wrong that thought was! Play isn’t just a way to teach social skills or have fun; it’s a bridge to relationships, trust, and even hard conversations. I can tell you: kids don’t sit down and say, “Mother, I’d like to discuss my emotional regulation skills today.” (Wouldn’t that be nice?) Instead, they roar like dinosaurs, argue over board games, and wrestle until someone gets a knee in the ribs. And in all of that, believe it or not, they’re learning.

Why Play Teaches Emotional Regulation Skills

Play gives kids a safe place to rehearse big life lessons without the stakes of real life. They get to “try on” emotions, power struggles, victories, and losses, while knowing they can hit the reset button whenever they need.

Imaginative play: When your child makes you be the grumpy store clerk who won’t sell candy, they’re rehearsing real-life frustration and problem-solving.
Games with rules: Ever seen a 4-year-old lose their mind during Candy Land? That’s frustration tolerance practice in disguise. And honestly, watching your child accuse Grandma of cheating at Uno is peak emotional training.
Rough-and-tumble play: Wrestling, pillow fights, piggyback rides, all teach self-regulation and empathy. “Oops, I went too far” is an invaluable life skill.

When I First Learned the Power of Play

I moved to Alaska at age 20 to accept a counseling position after I started my Master’s program. I was ecstatic and terrified. I felt like the biggest imposter ever, sure that there were people out there far more qualified than me. I was barely out of high school, let alone college. How on earth was I supposed to help others when I was still figuring out life myself?

On my first day, when my supervisor said, “When in doubt, play a game." I had no clue that it would become the foundation to everything I did in my career. It taught me how to build relationships with the kids and families I worked with, and eventually carried over into my relationship with my stepson, and now the skills that my son and daughters are building. Over the years, I’ve seen kids come into my office at their parents’ request, arms crossed, refusing to talk. So we play. At first, there’s disbelief that I just offered a game instead of trying to convince them to open up, but after a few minutes, something magical happens. The game breaks the tension, laughter flows, and little by little, kids begin to share pieces of their world, even if they never verbally discuss the “hard” stuff. Play creates safety, trust, and connection.

And this isn’t just a counseling trick; it works at home, too. If your child resists tough conversations, start with play. Build the relationship first, and the conversations will follow naturally.

The Magic of Cousin Play

At home, I’ve watched these principles unfold with my own son. He’s fantastic at independent play and enjoys playing with adults, but something truly magical happens when he plays with his cousins. He mimics their noises, their actions, and their ideas. He’s a little copycat, learning both what to do and what not to do.

One of his favorite activities is wrestling with his older male cousin. My son is sturdy. My dad and I were playing basketball with my brother’s team, and I ran straight into my dad one day. It felt like hitting a brick wall. I imagine my nieces and nephews feel the same way when they collide with him!

One day, during a wrestling match, my son accidentally hurt his cousin. At first, he didn’t realize it. When I pointed it out, he immediately stopped, checked in, and began apologizing. His cousin pulled him in for a hug and reassured him he was fine. Moments like this, organic, unscripted, and deeply emotional, can’t truly be replicated with role-playing. But role-playing can prepare kids to respond thoughtfully when similar situations arise.

Play as a Bridge to Hard Conversations

Many kids I’ve worked with admit they don’t want to talk about certain things with their parents, like not liking a specific rule at home or feeling frustrated when they’re told “no” after asking for a calm-down break. Parents often have good reasons for their “no” answers, but kids still carry the frustration.

Here’s where play can shine. In family sessions, I like to start with a game, maybe Uno, Jenga, or a favorite interactive activity. We don't start every session off this way, but initially, it's a great way to break the tension that is often present and help break down communication barriers for all involved. Parent and kid laugh, tease each other, and relax. Only then do we bridge to the harder conversation. The child feels safe expressing feelings, the parent shares perspective, and together they create a cooperative plan, like doing a calming activity together instead of taking a separate break.

This same approach works at home. Start with connection through play, then gently bridge into tough topics. Over time, trust grows, making conversations about feelings, boundaries, and challenges much more natural. I have a lot of parents who complain about their kids or teenagers not opening up. Guess what, parents, it starts with us! We have to model these skills even to our older kids. We have been in the world a lot longer, and while we may still be learning, our kids have not learned as much as we have.

Real-Life Play Strategies for Home

You don’t need special equipment or a counseling office. Here are practical ways to weave play into everyday routines:

Car Conversations: Play “Would You Rather?” or “Two Truths and a Lie” on the way to practice sharing in a low-pressure environment.
Feelings Chef: Assign emotions to ingredients while cooking: “This tomato is nervous.” Ask, “When was the last time you felt like the tomato?”
Puppet Talk: Let stuffed animals act as messengers for emotions. Kids often feel safer sharing through a puppet than directly to a parent.
Ball Toss Chat: Play catch while asking, “What was the hardest part of your day?” Movement reduces tension and encourages openness.
Lego or Block Towers: Build together and ask, “Which block is hardest to hold up? What feels that way in your life?”
Story Tag Walks: Take turns adding lines to a made-up story. Children project emotions into characters, opening pathways for discussion.

Games That Naturally Lead to Conversation

Here are 10 go-to games and products that combine fun with emotional skill-building. I've linked each game in case you are interested in purchasing it (affiliate links). Just click on the game title.

Uno: Great for turn-taking and frustration tolerance. (“How do you feel when someone skips you?”)
Jenga: Write conversation prompts on the blocks.
The Ungame: Specifically designed for open-ended discussion.
Headbanz: Fun for perspective-taking and empathy.
Feelings Flashcards: This is pretty straightforward, but you can also make your own cards and turn them into a memory game or version of Go Fish.
Apples to Apples Junior: Reveals values and encourages explanation of choices.
Spot It!: Fast-paced with opportunities for small talk between rounds.
Don’t Break the Ice: Use as a metaphor for stress: “What feels like it’s cracking under you?”
Emotion Charades: Act out feelings to build empathy and emotional vocabulary.
Cooperative Games (like Outfoxed! or Hoot Owl Hoot): Teach teamwork and problem-solving.
Talking Point Cards: Similar to The Ungame, and helps start open-ended discussions.

Role-Play Scenarios for Younger Kids

For younger children, role-play allows them to practice emotional regulation in a safe space. Examples include:

Stuffed Animal Tantrums: “The bear is mad because the pizza is all gone. How can he calm down?” Role-playing these big feelings can help kids practice calm-down skills and prepare for the next time they feel those emotions growing stronger.
Emotion Charades: Act out “nervous,” “proud,” “frustrated,” and discuss real-life situations that match. Pair these emotions up with animals they can act out to (a scared mouse is easy to act out, but what about an excited spider?) This challenges kids to not only act out emotions for them, but also identify what emotions might look like in others and how others may express those emotions differently.
Red Light, Green Light, With Feelings: One, this game is excellent for self-control practice, but you can also make the different light colors represent different emotions. Red light could be angry, yellow light is nervous, and green light is calm. When they physically respond to the light color, have them share times when they feel that way, or maybe act out that feeling, so they can recognize those feelings in themselves.
Re-do Game: After a conflict or mistake during play, children “replay” the situation to practice a better response. You can make it a dramatic play with silly voices and funny faces, but the idea is to rework the scenario so they learn a better way to manage those feelings. Kids make mistakes. Adults do too. Instead of lecturing our kids when they make a mistake, we can play and learn together.

Putting It All Together

Here’s a simple framework for using play to build connection and open conversation:

Play first: Start with fun, silly, imaginative, or competitive.
Bridge gently: Ask questions like, “When have you felt like that?” or “What would you do if that happened in real life?”
Don’t force it: Even without words, the relationship you’re building through play is powerful.

Conversation Prompts (That Don’t Feel Like Therapy)

Slip these in during play or afterward:

“How do you think your superhero felt when she lost?”
“What’s the funniest part of being the ‘angry dragon’?”
“If your stuffed animal was mad at his friend, what could he say instead of yelling?”

Think of it like dropping little breadcrumbs; over time, kids gather the skills without realizing they’re learning.

Real-Life Win: Can you help me?

My son was in a brief phase where he would act like he needed help solving every problem. It's important to note that he amazes me with his problem-solving skills and how he processes things in the world. One day, he began whining about something not working the way he wanted it to and getting frustrated when I couldn't fix it the way that he wanted it done. Before he wound himself up too much, I began throwing a pretend tantrum over not being able to fix it. My son thought it was hilarious, but he tried to help me in that moment. So I modeled taking a deep breath, asking for a hug, and I taught him to say, "Can you help me?"

A few silly pretend tantrums by me equaled my son coming up and asking for help when he needs it, and if he is beginning to get too wound up, I ask him if he needs a hug. He comes up for a hug and takes a deep breath before asking for help. Self-regulation is learned through play. Is it always picture perfect? No, but it's the effort that makes a difference.

Final Thoughts

Play isn’t just the “extra” stuff we squeeze in after chores. It’s the foundation of emotional learning. Every time your child invites you into their silly, messy, imaginative world, they’re asking you to join them in practicing the very skills they’ll need for life: empathy, resilience, frustration tolerance, and regulation. You’re not just playing. You’re building a foundation of trust that will help them navigate life’s challenges with confidence.

The most meaningful conversations rarely happen when you sit a child down and say, “We need to talk.” They happen mid-laugh, mid-game, mid-story, when your child feels safe, relaxed, and connected.

So go ahead, be the grumpy dragon, the referee in a backyard wrestling match, or the dramatic villain in the LEGO tower showdown. You’re not just playing, you’re helping your child build the emotional toolkit they’ll carry into friendships, school, and adulthood.

And hey, if nothing else, you’ll get a good laugh when your child’s “mad face” turns out to be a perfect imitation of you when the Wi-Fi goes out.

What’s your child’s favorite type of play, and how have you seen it shape their emotions or relationships?