Nurturing Self-Esteem and Identity in Our Kids (and Ourselves)

The first time I heard my stepson say, “I feel like I’m not as smart as the other kids and I don’t understand what’s going on in class,” my heart broke a little. We were conducting a weekly check-in to see how he was feeling about school back in 2nd grade. To his credit, he spent the entirety of 1st grade doing school from home due to Covid, and he has a hard time focusing, so that year online was not one that he benefited from. Going into second grade, the foundational skills for reading were not yet in place. Don’t worry, we've caught him up, and he is doing amazingly well at school. His confidence has shifted, too, and it’s been great to watch that build.

Maybe you’ve been there too. Perhaps you’ve heard your child mutter, “I’ll never be good at sports,” or “She’s prettier than me,” or “Nobody likes me.” And maybe, if you’re honest, you’ve thought those same kinds of things about yourself.

That’s the part we don’t always talk about: how much our kids learn about self-esteem and identity by watching us.

When Our Self-Esteem Becomes Their Mirror

I still remember standing in front of the mirror as a teenager, tugging at my clothes and picking apart every little detail. I was always an athlete. My body was strong, but I wasn’t small like other girls my age. I had curves that other girls didn’t have. Shopping for my body shape meant shopping in women’s sizes, but I craved to wear clothes from the juniors section, as that was what was in style. So I’d squeeze into the junior sizes for no curve body types, and absolutely hate the way I looked. One day in a dressing room, I looked at my mom and said, “It’s not me, it’s the clothes”. Fast forward to adulthood, and I caught myself sighing at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. As an adult, I’m very intentional about going out and finding clothes that make me feel good. Mind you, most of those clothes are more about comfort these days, but when I do want to dress up a bit, I make sure I’m not wearing clothes that aren’t a good fit for my body shape or size. Because that teenage reframe, “it’s not me, it’s the clothes,” still pops up when I’m clothes shopping. As a mom, my goal is that my daughters and son don’t have these negative feelings towards their bodies, that they don’t hear me speaking negatively about my body, and then begin copying me.

Our kids are constantly collecting data about how to treat themselves by observing how we treat ourselves. When I talk down to myself, even in little ways like, “Ugh, I look terrible today”, I’m not just venting. I’m teaching. I’m showing my kids how to build their own inner voice.

And if we think back, many of us can still hear the echoes of our own childhood voices, the teacher who told us we weren’t trying hard enough or weren’t smart enough, the coach who said we’d never make varsity, or the parent who compared us to a sibling. Those words didn’t just float away. They stuck.

Our kids are forming those inner tapes right now.

The Power of Our Words (and Theirs)

I once worked with a middle schooler who, after being teased about his height, started telling himself, “I’m the weird tall kid.” It wasn’t just a passing thought; it became his identity. He shrank his personality to match the words he heard from others.

It made me think of how often our casual remarks, whether from frustration, stress, or just not realizing the weight they carry, can land like heavy stones. Even small phrases like “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “You’re so dramatic,” can quietly shape how a child sees themselves.

But the reverse is true too. Words can build. When I tell my son, “I love how curious your brain is,” I see his face light up. Those phrases become seeds for a healthier inner voice.

The Social Media Factor

Of course, kids today face a unique challenge that many of us didn’t: growing up in the age of social media.

Think about it: when we were teens, we compared ourselves to maybe 20 or 30 kids at our school. If we were watching TV and reading magazines, we were picking up a bit more influence.

Now? Our kids can compare themselves to thousands of peers, influencers, and celebrities every time they scroll.

And the comparison isn’t fair. They’re not seeing the behind-the-scenes, the bloopers, the bad days. They’re seeing highlight reels polished with filters. For kids and teens still figuring out who they are, it’s like trying to build an identity in a house of mirrors.

Here’s the kicker: social media isn’t just emotionally tricky, it’s biologically sticky. Every notification, like, or comment gives the brain a little squirt of dopamine, the “feel-good” neurotransmitter. For a developing brain, this can create a cycle where self-worth becomes tied to external validation. A post gets likes? Dopamine boost. A post gets ignored? Crash. It’s exhausting, and it makes building steady self-esteem harder than ever.

I’ve had teens tell me their mood for the day depends on whether their Snap streaks are intact or if their TikTok got enough views. That’s not just social pressure, it’s brain chemistry shaping identity.

Everyday Struggles (With Real-Life Humor Sprinkled In)

Let’s be real: some of these self-esteem challenges show up in dramatic, obvious ways, like the middle schooler who refuses to go to school after a friend unfollows them. But sometimes, they show up in the small, everyday battles:

• The meltdown after losing a board game at family night.

• The tween who changes their outfit six times before school because “everyone will laugh.”

• The teen who won’t join the soccer team, not because they don’t like soccer, but because “what if I’m the worst one out there?”

And if we’re honest, we parents aren’t immune either. How many of us have thought, “I’m failing at this whole parenting thing,” after a rough day? The truth is, our kids are growing up watching us wrestle with the same voice of comparison and self-doubt.

The gift we can give them isn’t pretending we’re perfect, it’s showing them what it looks like to speak kindly to ourselves, even when we’re not.

Practical Ways to Support Self-Esteem & Identity

Here are some strategies that I’ve used at home and with kids I’ve counseled. They’re not magic tricks, but they help build the scaffolding for a healthier inner voice.

1. Praise the process, not just the product: When my son builds a block tower that collapses halfway through, I’ll say, “That happens sometimes, and that’s okay. Let’s try again!” That way, he learns persistence matters more than perfection.

2. Reframe failure: I often remind kids, “Mistakes are proof you’re learning.” Sometimes I even share my own “fail of the day” so they know messing up is part of being human. I am all about modeling for kids. They mimic us, so admitting my mistakes teaches them it’s okay for them to make mistakes too.

3. Watch your self-talk out loud: If I burn dinner, instead of groaning, “I’m terrible at cooking,” I’ll say, “Well, that didn’t work out, let’s pivot to something else.” My kids need to hear me recover with humor, not shame. Fun story: a few years ago, my stepson and I were making cookies, and he turned the mixer on high after adding in the flour. Flour flew everywhere. We laughed and had some slightly softer cookies as a result. But it ended up becoming something that we used as his science fair project.

4. Give them roles where they can succeed: Let them lead grace, teach you a dance move, or plan dessert for family night. Little wins build immense confidence.

5. Limit comparisons: When my client once said, “She’s so much better at drawing than I am,” I gently replied, “And you have such a creative way of telling stories. Both are amazing.” It shifted her focus back to her unique gift.

6. Teach them about social media and dopamine: I’ve explained to kids, “Your brain actually gets a chemical reward when you get likes online, which is why it can feel like you need more and more. But that’s not where your worth comes from.” Kids get this when you connect it to their brains, not just their behavior.

Final Thoughts

Helping our kids build self-esteem and identity isn’t about pumping them up with empty praise or pretending they’re perfect. It’s about giving them tools to see themselves clearly, to value their quirks and strengths, and to talk back to that harsh little inner critic when it pipes up.

And just as importantly, it’s about doing the same for ourselves. Whether we realize it or not, our children are listening not only to the words we say to them, but also to the words we say about ourselves.

The next time you hear your child mutter, “I’ll never be good enough,” take a pause. What would you say to them? Then try saying that same thing to yourself. That’s where the healing starts, for both of you.

Try it: When my kids or clients say something harmful to themselves, I ask them, “Is that something you would say to your best friend?” The answer is always “no,” to which I reply with, “Then why are you saying it to yourself?” Adults, you can use this phrase for yourself, too.